Sunday, July 7, 2013

Ants in the Pants.

This past week, every other thought in my head usually begins with, "When I'm back in Berkeley..."  Most of these thoughts have included yearning for a macchiato, because apparently any coffee shops within a 5 mile radius of where I live and work are not aware of how properly steam milk.  And yes, I am an old curmudgeon (or a snob, but curmudgeon is just so much more fun to type or say).

Whenever I'm biking up a hill (and by hill, I mean a tiny incline that you wouldn't be able to notice unless you were huffing up it on a bike), I think about the Berkeley Hills and how much I desperately want to conquer them.  I want to know I can do it. That being said, I am very glad for the training session that this summer has been--my calves are starting too look a tiny bit like the infamous, defined Bay Area calves (what up!).

I keep reminding myself to breathe. Where am I now?  This is the here. Ohio is the now.  Yes, there is plenty to do out there in the West, but there is also so much to do here.

Like figure out who the hell I am.  And maybe shed this people pleasing thing I have going on.  And stand up for who I am.  And who I am is an amazingly strong, brave, passionate individual who happens to be a woman.  Where other people turn around and find a hiding place, I run right in because I don't realize how scary the obstacle is.  Some days I call that naivety/stupidity/stubbornness, but mostly it's brave.  I often tell myself the worst things and I really don't deserve that--no one does.

I guess where I'm going with this is that the journey is not done now or here.  The journey is still working it's way through and I have 6 weeks here in Ohio.  No more, no less.  6 weeks of precious time that will be full of interactions, bike rides, perseverance, laughs, hugs, tears (oh so many tears...), and change.  I'll be a better Kaitlin because of these next 6 weeks and all it takes is breathing the humid Ohio air in and being here. Here in the now.

Yesterday, I biked to Three Creeks Park and plopped my sweat-slicked body on a bench in the greenery.  The birds were chirping.  The breeze was rolling through the trees and the leaves rustled continuously--the beautiful song of time.  Right now, I'm sitting by a bay window and the sun's rays are warming my toes.  Outside I see five shades of brilliant green that lighten my soul.

Ohio. Columbus. here. now. me.

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