Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Complete with Bike+Dress.

Complete with Bike+Dress

Two wheels whizzing down;
Toes curved around my sandals
holding unto the pedals,
holding unto life.

The world is wide open
beckoning the winds of the four corners
to clash and move around each other.
The deep Bay water welcomes and invites in
the blue hue of the sky.

The orange silk of my dress
wriggling around my skin
with a constant thrill of the threat
that the soft fabric covering me
will flip up to expose thigh.

The cool breeze bursting into my skin
It tickles me into delight,
it tickles me into giggles.

It's simple to hold no room for worries
with the sunshine pouring down
and my heart flying through the air.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Flow in Me as I Float in You

Loving Spirit,
Always a companion,
Hold me in the Dark and the Light,
Flow in me as I float in you,
Flow in me as I float in you,
Flow in me as I float in you.

The past two months my sense of daily spirituality has exploded.  There have been multiple factors that edged me out to the deep water of the Divine so that I could jump in.  The two main ones have been the course I'm immersed in this semester and the Twelve Step Program (specifically Overeaters Anonymous-OA).

I am an emotional overeater.  Before coming to OA sometimes I wouldn't even realize that I was feeling an emotion like loneliness, anger, sadness, grief---I would just feel hungry.  Instead of working with the emotion that was coursing through my body I would thoughtlessly search for the way to stuff down the feelings and eat.  No amount of food satisfies the deep emotional void; that's the trick of emotional eating.  One day it's just one bite and the next day it's 5 bites and the next day it's the whole container.  This is because there is no end or satiety when it comes to eating in order to deal with emotions.  Especially because overeating makes me feel guilty; the guilty feelings cycle into more gnawing "hunger."

When I started to understand this cycle of feelings--eat--guilt--eat more, I refrained from eating my feelings to push them down.  Then without my comfort then in comes the RAGE, the TEARS, and the LONELINESS.  It gets better to feel these things yet all the while I feel so uncontrollable.  My anger pulses through my arms and legs and it's much harder to pretend that it's not there.  I sometimes get so distracted by my anger in situation that I am unable to function normally in a social situation.  And you know what? How awesome is that?  I'm so grateful that I go to feeling the emotion instead of thinking "I am hungry."  Sometimes I'm rageful because I can't eat a particular food or if I'm at a BBQ and there are SO MANY FUCKING CHANCES to overeat.

But it's feeling more manageable with every day that I am focused on holding healthier eating habits.  I have no control or power when it comes to food; the only way I am able to manage is that I turn it over to God rather than hoping to control my obsession myself.  It is so freeing and so lovely to give it away and see that this is not a shameful thing to talk about but rather a piece of holding unto the truth of my life.

Every time I eat a meal or refrain from emotional eating, God is present.  Food is pieces of nutrients that are useful for my body, not magical containers of happiness.  With that in mind scones or fries or other trigger foods hold no weight in my decision of what to eat.  I need/want sustenance that tastes fresh and delicious.  God's love flows through me as I float in the waters of God's grace and God's sense of power.  Sometimes that love means being rageful and my hands balled up into fists; sometimes it means sitting down for a healthy meal with friends; sometimes it means smiling ear to ear when I'm biking in the sunshine.  It is all connected to my relationship to my Higher Power.

This semester I've been immersed in two amazing courses: Preaching and NeoPaganism Liturgy.  My preaching course is taught by a woman and is made up of 6 insightful, passionate women.  In this course I have transformed in the way that I conduct myself in worship as a leader.  I no longer simply say, "God, you have brought us out of the waters of darkness into new life" but say, "O GOD (breath), YOU have brought us OUT of the waters of darkness into NEW life."  Every word that is uttered in worship holds value; the way that we say things is monumental in carrying the message across to other people.  I am beginning to see how powerful it is to create a sacred space using my identity as a leader and showing vulnerability.  My raw emotions are much more vital than maintaining a professional appearance.  When I encounter leaders in church or daily life settings, I don't want to interact with a shiny person who looks put together; I want a leader to show their scars because it makes my scars real and ok to talk about as well.

NeoPaganism is course that includes spending time in a round Chapel with passionate, caring, knowledgeable people who discuss pagan traditions, Wicca, Radical Faeries, and a whole of information that I don't understand.  All of our readings and rituals in class pertain to having a personal experience with the Divine, whatever the Divine looks like.  I see the preciousness of taking time to notice how I am already a deeply spiritual person.

Washing the dishes is a way of interacting with water that serves as a grounding element; I pray to my Loving Spirit as I swim laps in an outdoor pool.  I light a candle and sing some words in the warmth of the Light; I take time to sniff the beautiful roses that are scattered everywhere in Berkeley.  I soak my feet in salt water and let go of my angry feelings.  I meditate for a few minutes before going to bed because it centers me into sleep.  All of this is connecting me with God.  EXPLOSION of connecting the ways I am already working in the realm of the Divine here today.  The experience isn't perfect and the words of gratitude, demand, anger, and peace flow out so easily when I'm focused on moving through the experience of the Divine whether it's a traditional way of accessing God or not.  The point isn't in the labeling but in the feeling of moving out of my own worries and into the deep waters of acceptance and love.

Loving Spirit
You held me before I
even knew who I was to be
Flow in me as I float in you
Flow in me as I float in you
Flow in me as I float in  you.