Sunday, February 1, 2015

Posture of Gratitude.

I haven't been able to bring myself to post in the last few months and I can definitely not give you an answer why.  It's not that I don't have thoughts or very strong opinions.  There have been protests in my Berkeley home and rising emotions about the inherent racism in the US.  I have preached at a variety of congregations in the past months which has given me more than enough room to proclaim and share.  I have thoroughly loved my course work this year which included classes about feminist viewpoints in pastoral care, sexuality and pastoral care, queer theology, and race and ethnicity in the New Testament.  All of this has led to great discoveries, misadventures, and all around profound moments.  And yet, here my blog lays dormant.  I've been racking my brain about why, and I think I've finally come to somewhat of an answer.

My life is fucking fantastic right now.  I really savor the privilege to live by myself and create my own space.  I have prioritized my health above all else which includes my mental and emotional health; I am learning how to adore myself which means taking care of my needs.  Sometimes that means reading a book instead of going to a group gathering.  Sometimes that means dancing around my kitchen while preparing a meal.  Each day it gets easier and easier to hold true to my desire to be mindful about my eating habits and focus on the emotions that are behind my hunger.  That is a fucking miracle.  I have a loving family that lives close and a boyfriend that I can only adequately describe as Mr. Awesome.  I feel a wave of calm settle into my soul when I step into a leadership position in a ministry; it feels delicious to be in my skin.

The weird thing is that I don't feel like I should be sharing that gratitude and joy.  It's almost as if I feel like I'm only supposed to share the burdens or the anxieties that pop up throughout my day.  Those are still there; I have issues that lurk within my midst but when I step back and examine where I am right now, wow! What a fantastic life I have worked hard to live into.

One of my most treasured friends visited me this past week and she kept pointing out all the ways that I have transformed.  Her friendship continually shows me what it means to truly see someone and hope for the best out of others.  I am reminded of all the recovery that is held within my posture and I know what my recovery is in direct relation to the people who support me.

Each day I take on a posture of gratitude; the one that whispers of the people who send me love throughout my day, whether I know or not.

Today I am grateful for parishioners in churches that overwhelmingly support me in my call to be a leader in ministry.  One of my Teaching Parish (mini-internship) parishioners sent me out into the world with a light yellow scarf that she told me can remind me that I am a ray of sunshine here.  Last week a parishioner from herchurch (my current church in SF) gifted me a communion bread plate (the fancy word is paten) for me to share the love of God through my ministry.  I lift these up as the reminders that I am not only me but I am the thousands of people that help me become who I am each day.

Who helps you develop a posture of gratitude? What are you grateful for today?

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