Thursday, November 8, 2012

The Whos and the Whys

Who am I?

For some reason, when I get into this question and dwell on it, I start thinking about who I WAS and feeling guilty that I have changed.  This is not helpful because who I was six months ago is of course going to be different than who I am now; change is inevitable.  I've moved to the West Coast, I started graduate school, and I've made many wonderful friends here.  I make mochas and latte art, while simultaneously arguing the theology of Martin Luther.  I shop at local produce markets and I rock out to tunes while walking for multiple hours a week.  I stay up late finishing Old Testament quizzes and I get to wear shorts in November.

Who am I?

Last night, while walking home, I picked up a meditation mantra and searched in myself for answers about who I am.  The first words I felt strongly were "a good girl."  Oh boy. That made me mad.  I feel as if I am still that 6th grade girl, with the other kids heckling me and calling me "Goody two shoes!" (What does that even mean, by the way? I'm special because I have two shoes?)  That's why I feel quite resistant to be the woman who understands what she is called to do at the age of 23.  Why not make some more mistakes first?  Why not go to a high powered job and make money to help pay for life as a grad student? Nope, not me! I'm here, baring it all, ready to be continually transformed.  I know that my wish to shrug the "good girl" vibe attributes to a lot of the way my lewd humor works and why I am loud about my stubborn tendencies.  I think it's good to know the Whys of how I behave; they certainly help understand the Whos.

The second thing I felt that resonated with me is that I am a fighter.  That part of my personality sometimes does not come off strong within the academic world.  I have opinions, but as a Helper (Number 2 on the Enneagram), I place emphasis on the needs and opinions of others.  I'd rather be respectful about the opinions of others than outwardly say mine; that also plays into being non-confrontational.  My opinion is important and is worth being said, despite my want to keep it to myself.  Luckily, there are people that hold such different views than me here that it feels like my opinions come bursting out of me.  I want to hold on to my resilience and hold fast to the things that I believe in.  Even deeper than that, I need to hold on to ME and my own needs.  God has given me love and with that love, I am able to spread love to the people around me.  I am worthy of loving and worthy of being loved.  I am worthy of loving myself.  I've been feeling lonely lately, especially since a big relationship in my life has ended and I find myself being a single seminarian.  Lonely is alright; though; lonely allows for potential to love myself as much as I can and reach out to the many people who support me. :)

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