Oh PLTS...

What has made this past week so calming and rejuvenating for me?

Was it that How I Met Your Mother Season 7 is on Netflix? Or that I watched obscene amounts of it (I can't even admit the number on here for fear of extreme judgement....)?

Was it the nightly Advent devotions that include candlelit readings and prayer?

Was it my day of health on Wednesday that involved a eucalyptus oil and salt bath, feel good movies, baking eggnog bread pudding, and making egg drop soup?

Was it the Adventfest Talent Show Friday night, full of joyful stories, music, paintings, poetry, and energetic camp songs?

Was it the annual cookie decorating at Phyllis and Herbert Anderson's house (president and our pastoral care professor), complete with eggnog coffee, massive amounts of decorating creativity, and a delicious soup lunch?

As I walked home from work last night, a smile bubbled up onto my lips and I just feel joyful, all the way down deep.  Has this been a consistent feeling this fall? Uh not even close.  My journal entries would tell you that I've been to the depths of uncertainty and self-consciousness.  That's why this bliss tastes so magnificently sweet.

My seminarian friend Erin and roommate Dominique wrote a parody of the camp song"Pharoah" (which is a parody of "Louie, Louie" so it's circular parodying haha).

PLTS parody

Here are the lyrics:

Ed Johnson told me just a year ago

That I should move to Berkeley and make my home

So I packed my car full to the brim,

And this is what I got for listening to him,

I said Oh

PLTS, I love you so

I said Oh

PLTS, why is Berkeley so expensive

Me and 4 others came to see Steed

Turns out my Sunday school was fooling me,

So I took my Bible and I highlighted it

Still had to panic during every quiz

I said Oh

PLTS, I love you so

I said Oh

PLTS, Oh Looper please work today

Learning about Luther was next on the list

Most of the time in class, my face looked like this

visited lots of churches that were really cool

if you say contemporary or tradition

Carol and Kyle will kill you!

(they won't really kill you, but they'll judge you!)

I said Oh

PLTS, I love you so

I said Oh

PLTS, where did my humor go

(Seriously, I used to have so many good jokes. Now they are all theological...)

Jayson: So Luther, Melanchthon, and Spener walk into a bar...

Us: SHUT UP JAYSON!

The Andersons make an awesome duo

Phyllis preached that we were good soil

Herb tells stories that help us grow

he makes us role play with Episcopals!

I said Oh

PLTS, I love you so

I said Oh

PLTS, Who knew I'd suck at empathy

Need a cup of sugar? Someone'll bring it to your door

They'll come inside so you can talk some more

(Probably share more than you wanted to...)

We're having so much fun with our new family

we can't imagine choosing another seminary

I said Oh

PLTS, I love you so

I said Oh

PLTS, I love you so

Wash Away into Renewal

Today rings in the third day of rain in the Bay Area. Today, as my friend Erin drove through pouring rain for a solid hour to get to where we needed to be for church, I thought about Jonah's story and the people he burdened when hiding out in the boat.  I laughed and said, "Geez, someone needs to get out of this boat!"  Am I proud that I'm such a Bible nerd that I thought that joke was funny? Umm no...maybe I get some new hobbies. :P

This rain continues to wash away the old burdens of yesterday and brings us into a new church year and into a period of expectancy and excitement.  This is movement.  This is hope.

Cleansing Drops

I sat here, waiting for the rain,
On a fresh new porch,
I held my brain.

Heavy thoughts filled my mind,
Exhausted, from the
routine grind.

Rains arrival,
I awaited with pleasure,
Cleansing drops,
became my treasure. 

I yelled out for
heaven's tear,
All my sorrows,
I hoped it shall clear.

When the very first drop,
hit my head,
Pure excitement,
virally spread.

Came down suddenly,
it started to pour,
My heart and spirit,
began to soar.

Seconds later my life was
cleansed and soaked,
My clear mind,
has been evoked.

(anitapoems.com)

Here I am.

I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me;
    I was found by those who did not seek me.
To a nation that did not call on my name,
    I said, ‘Here am I, here am I.’ -Isaiah 65:1

Interactions with the divine seem rare compared to the abundance of distractions of every day life.

How often to your fingers touch dirt?  When was the last time your body was immersed in a natural body of water?  How often to you take the time to watch an entire sunrise or sunset?  I am constantly reminded of how processed our life experiences are. I walk on concrete sidewalk, I eat bread that looks completely different than the grain that was harvested to create it, I wear clothes that involve polyester and mysterious stretchy material (yea skinny jean find from Goodwill!).  There are so many steps in between the essence of nature and what I experience.

With this absolutely man-made and material world that we reside in, it is simple to embrace the inherent values found within this culture.  Within Western culture, there is a high value placed on the individual; we take pride in the idea that we can pull ourselves up from our American bootstraps to make a successful life.  The American dream exists in every person that says that their current experience of life is not enough; we are taught with billboards, online ads, and TV commercials that what we have is not enough.

Where is God in all of this?  When we are the people in charge of creating our own lives, what role does God play?  It seems that God has been put on the sidelines, in favor of the self.  God is irrelevant within our capitalist society.  How different was it back in Israel, BCE style?  Isaiah 65 talks about the obstinate people that pursue their own imaginations.  These people are deemed bad because they give secret vigils at cemeteries, eat pork, offering sacrifices in gardens, and etc.  Do I have any idea why these things are so horrible? Nope. But I'm getting the idea; I imagine the people that today pursue their own imaginations.

I know that I have my own tendency to focus on my control and power in a situation instead of trusting that God has the control and let go of my worries.  I dream of keeping my life together if only I become a better person who remembers to do everything in a timely manner.  I spew my thoughts and emotions out when talking to friends and often forget to ask about their day.  I live in my own created world of perceptions and opinions.  I'm learning to live with my brokenness that is found in my focus on myself instead of out at the world.  I full of emotions and I am a mess and best of all, it is alright because I am loved by God.  God gives me the gifts of empathy and love so that I can carry them out to the people I interact with every day.  God calls me to give support and love in God's all powerful name.  I am saying that I am here to hold steadfast, I am here to spread words of compassion.

I am here, but who wants to listen?  I am called to reveal my call to those who do not think they need it.  I am called to be a light for people who think that I am irrelevant because God is irrelevant.  I am called to show people that religion is more than a hypocritical joke, church is more than people stuck singing 500 year old hymns in a somber manner, and that there are messages in the Bible that are relevant for today.

What a hefty weight to carry on my shoulders; and not just my shoulders, but all of the people going or already a part of the ministry of God.  Buddhists, Hindus, Mormons, Catholics, Muslims, Protestants alike are called to pursue the Divine despite the urge to focus only on ourselves.

Here we are, world.  You might not ask for us, you might not think you need us, but we know there is a hunger for depth and connection in this world of schisms.  How do we listen to the needs of those who find us irrelevant while providing a space for the depth and complexity of the Divine?  Since we live in a world that exalts power and control, creating a space that strips away control might not be useful for people who comfortably live with the focus of self-determination.

Good thing I have the rest of my life to work on these questions.

Unexpected Divine Spark

I boarded a subway train headed toward Oakland today.  I sat down and promptly got out my Bible and highlighter to finish some reading for my 8 am Old Testament course.  Luckily, I got none of it done for the remainder of my train ride.

A woman sat in the seat next to me and we began to talk (a rarity on the BART, let me tell you...).  It seems impossible to believe, but she has lived not only in my hometown of Fort Collins, but grew up in Kansas, a few hours from my birth city of Kansas City.  It's amazing how connected you can feel with someone you spend 10 minutes with.  Pam told me that she is a counselor, so it isn't a wonder that we immediately felt like kindred, both being in the field of support.  When I mentioned that I am getting my Masters in Divinity, she let out this sigh of joy and excitement that I will hold onto for awhile.

Pam's touching words about her journey with spirituality and love were exactly the encouragement I needed; this intelligent, beautiful woman in her 40's has a fulfilling job she loves, just got remarried, and has multiple children grown.  In my current perspective of uncertainty, her story of joy and love was touching for me.  Pam out poured an abundance care and empathy to me in our miniscule encounter.  Every day I am being prepared to be ready for the next.  I wonder what my talk with Pam is preparing me for tomorrow.

So how are you liking Berkeley?

I get this question often. Not ever sure how to best describe the whys, but.....
I LOVE IT.
Tonight, I stopped by an actual supermarket chain to get some things. I've shopped at stores like this one for so long, yet it feels so wrong to be buying produce and common food items there when I could be getting a great deal on organic food at Monterey Market or getting delicious goodies at Trader Joe's on my walk home from work tomorrow night.

I forgot to post pictures of my apartment--here are a few looksies!

My room

Bathroom

Living room

Kitchen and my roommate Dominique

Thanksgiving was such a great celebration with loads of delicious food, episodes of Friends, card games, and best of all, my family and friends.  It felt so right to be partaking in warm food with a cold New Belgium beer in the courtyard of my apartment complex, soaking up that Bay Area sunshine.  Here's to family that likes each other, here's to new friends, here's to love. :)

I've been feeling so exhausted this week; maybe this crazy life transition into seminary life is finally catching up to me.  Also, DEADLINES.  Oh woman, (I originally put, Oh man, but decided why not make it feminine? haha) so much to do in these coming weeks.  The biggest change between undergrad and seminary for me is my openly conscious effort to be healthy throughout this process.  Not saying that it's successful, but I do make a point to prioritize sleep and time to be sane throughout the day.  For instance, today I made Thai Pumpkin Soup, which tastes great but only comes in one size: CAULDRON.  Stop at Apt. 11 for a cup if you are in Berkeley, please! I can't eat all of this by myself. (Jillien, I'll express ship you one if you really want it haha).
Cooking a soup isn't going to cut it on the wellness scale though.  I want to be very conscious to explore my hobbies that are lying dusty on my bookshelf, such as collaging (which I haven't touched since I got to California), letter writing, journaling, and poetry reading.  I need to hold myself to this goal.
I'm working on the poetry reading hobby at least!  I just purchased a delicious (yes, it is delicious) book called Love Poems from God at Sagrada (this really great sacred arts store in Oakland!).
My new favorite is one written by Rabia, an Islamic saint from the 8th century that grew up in Mesopotamia.  Rabia was sold into the sex trade at a young age; at the age of fifty, she was given her freedom (most likely bought by a rich patron of hers).  She spent the rest of her life in meditation and prayer; that along with her touching poems makes her a create candidate to be an Islamic saint.

It Acts Like Love

It acts like love--music,

it reaches toward the face, touches it, and tries to let you know

His promise: that all will be okay.

It acts like love--music, and tells the feet, "You do not have to be so burdened."

My body is covered with wounds

this world made,

but I still longed to kiss Him, even when God said,

"Could you also kiss the hand that caused each scar,

for you will not find me until you do."

It does that--music--helps

to forgive.

Breathing in the Joy.

Today was a good day.  As I head off to bed, I feel content and happy to be where I am at in life currently.  I haven't been feeling too steady these past weeks and have felt like a fish swimming around in circles, forgetting what I was supposed to be doing. I'm grabbing onto this feeling of joy and holding onto it for a minute.

 Life seems so quick and fast, but there is always room to take a few minutes to deliberate and make a delicious meal.  Always extra time for someone who needs to really talk about their day.  Always an extra 30 minutes to take a mind break and watch a sitcom.  There needs to be wiggle room in the day to be a human being.  I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and be the most productive, perfect person in the world, because I wasn't today or yesterday.  That is really a hard thing for me to say.  The person I imagine being tomorrow and the person I am in reality is disappointing.  You can chalk it up to being a Type A, optimistic, perfectionist attitude, but really what it mean is that I need to love me, not the possible me of tomorrow.  Today I was good enough for me, and tomorrow I will try my best.  I was good enough yesterday and will be good enough tomorrow.  I'm beautiful in today's skin.

What brings you joy on this day (or any day)?

The Whos and the Whys

Who am I?

For some reason, when I get into this question and dwell on it, I start thinking about who I WAS and feeling guilty that I have changed.  This is not helpful because who I was six months ago is of course going to be different than who I am now; change is inevitable.  I've moved to the West Coast, I started graduate school, and I've made many wonderful friends here.  I make mochas and latte art, while simultaneously arguing the theology of Martin Luther.  I shop at local produce markets and I rock out to tunes while walking for multiple hours a week.  I stay up late finishing Old Testament quizzes and I get to wear shorts in November.

Who am I?

Last night, while walking home, I picked up a meditation mantra and searched in myself for answers about who I am.  The first words I felt strongly were "a good girl."  Oh boy. That made me mad.  I feel as if I am still that 6th grade girl, with the other kids heckling me and calling me "Goody two shoes!" (What does that even mean, by the way? I'm special because I have two shoes?)  That's why I feel quite resistant to be the woman who understands what she is called to do at the age of 23.  Why not make some more mistakes first?  Why not go to a high powered job and make money to help pay for life as a grad student? Nope, not me! I'm here, baring it all, ready to be continually transformed.  I know that my wish to shrug the "good girl" vibe attributes to a lot of the way my lewd humor works and why I am loud about my stubborn tendencies.  I think it's good to know the Whys of how I behave; they certainly help understand the Whos.

The second thing I felt that resonated with me is that I am a fighter.  That part of my personality sometimes does not come off strong within the academic world.  I have opinions, but as a Helper (Number 2 on the Enneagram), I place emphasis on the needs and opinions of others.  I'd rather be respectful about the opinions of others than outwardly say mine; that also plays into being non-confrontational.  My opinion is important and is worth being said, despite my want to keep it to myself.  Luckily, there are people that hold such different views than me here that it feels like my opinions come bursting out of me.  I want to hold on to my resilience and hold fast to the things that I believe in.  Even deeper than that, I need to hold on to ME and my own needs.  God has given me love and with that love, I am able to spread love to the people around me.  I am worthy of loving and worthy of being loved.  I am worthy of loving myself.  I've been feeling lonely lately, especially since a big relationship in my life has ended and I find myself being a single seminarian.  Lonely is alright; though; lonely allows for potential to love myself as much as I can and reach out to the many people who support me. :)