Unexpected Divine Spark

I boarded a subway train headed toward Oakland today.  I sat down and promptly got out my Bible and highlighter to finish some reading for my 8 am Old Testament course.  Luckily, I got none of it done for the remainder of my train ride.

A woman sat in the seat next to me and we began to talk (a rarity on the BART, let me tell you...).  It seems impossible to believe, but she has lived not only in my hometown of Fort Collins, but grew up in Kansas, a few hours from my birth city of Kansas City.  It's amazing how connected you can feel with someone you spend 10 minutes with.  Pam told me that she is a counselor, so it isn't a wonder that we immediately felt like kindred, both being in the field of support.  When I mentioned that I am getting my Masters in Divinity, she let out this sigh of joy and excitement that I will hold onto for awhile.

Pam's touching words about her journey with spirituality and love were exactly the encouragement I needed; this intelligent, beautiful woman in her 40's has a fulfilling job she loves, just got remarried, and has multiple children grown.  In my current perspective of uncertainty, her story of joy and love was touching for me.  Pam out poured an abundance care and empathy to me in our miniscule encounter.  Every day I am being prepared to be ready for the next.  I wonder what my talk with Pam is preparing me for tomorrow.

So how are you liking Berkeley?

I get this question often. Not ever sure how to best describe the whys, but.....
I LOVE IT.
Tonight, I stopped by an actual supermarket chain to get some things. I've shopped at stores like this one for so long, yet it feels so wrong to be buying produce and common food items there when I could be getting a great deal on organic food at Monterey Market or getting delicious goodies at Trader Joe's on my walk home from work tomorrow night.

I forgot to post pictures of my apartment--here are a few looksies!

My room

Bathroom

Living room

Kitchen and my roommate Dominique

Thanksgiving was such a great celebration with loads of delicious food, episodes of Friends, card games, and best of all, my family and friends.  It felt so right to be partaking in warm food with a cold New Belgium beer in the courtyard of my apartment complex, soaking up that Bay Area sunshine.  Here's to family that likes each other, here's to new friends, here's to love. :)

I've been feeling so exhausted this week; maybe this crazy life transition into seminary life is finally catching up to me.  Also, DEADLINES.  Oh woman, (I originally put, Oh man, but decided why not make it feminine? haha) so much to do in these coming weeks.  The biggest change between undergrad and seminary for me is my openly conscious effort to be healthy throughout this process.  Not saying that it's successful, but I do make a point to prioritize sleep and time to be sane throughout the day.  For instance, today I made Thai Pumpkin Soup, which tastes great but only comes in one size: CAULDRON.  Stop at Apt. 11 for a cup if you are in Berkeley, please! I can't eat all of this by myself. (Jillien, I'll express ship you one if you really want it haha).
Cooking a soup isn't going to cut it on the wellness scale though.  I want to be very conscious to explore my hobbies that are lying dusty on my bookshelf, such as collaging (which I haven't touched since I got to California), letter writing, journaling, and poetry reading.  I need to hold myself to this goal.
I'm working on the poetry reading hobby at least!  I just purchased a delicious (yes, it is delicious) book called Love Poems from God at Sagrada (this really great sacred arts store in Oakland!).
My new favorite is one written by Rabia, an Islamic saint from the 8th century that grew up in Mesopotamia.  Rabia was sold into the sex trade at a young age; at the age of fifty, she was given her freedom (most likely bought by a rich patron of hers).  She spent the rest of her life in meditation and prayer; that along with her touching poems makes her a create candidate to be an Islamic saint.

It Acts Like Love

It acts like love--music,

it reaches toward the face, touches it, and tries to let you know

His promise: that all will be okay.

It acts like love--music, and tells the feet, "You do not have to be so burdened."

My body is covered with wounds

this world made,

but I still longed to kiss Him, even when God said,

"Could you also kiss the hand that caused each scar,

for you will not find me until you do."

It does that--music--helps

to forgive.

Breathing in the Joy.

Today was a good day.  As I head off to bed, I feel content and happy to be where I am at in life currently.  I haven't been feeling too steady these past weeks and have felt like a fish swimming around in circles, forgetting what I was supposed to be doing. I'm grabbing onto this feeling of joy and holding onto it for a minute.

 Life seems so quick and fast, but there is always room to take a few minutes to deliberate and make a delicious meal.  Always extra time for someone who needs to really talk about their day.  Always an extra 30 minutes to take a mind break and watch a sitcom.  There needs to be wiggle room in the day to be a human being.  I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and be the most productive, perfect person in the world, because I wasn't today or yesterday.  That is really a hard thing for me to say.  The person I imagine being tomorrow and the person I am in reality is disappointing.  You can chalk it up to being a Type A, optimistic, perfectionist attitude, but really what it mean is that I need to love me, not the possible me of tomorrow.  Today I was good enough for me, and tomorrow I will try my best.  I was good enough yesterday and will be good enough tomorrow.  I'm beautiful in today's skin.

What brings you joy on this day (or any day)?

The Whos and the Whys

Who am I?

For some reason, when I get into this question and dwell on it, I start thinking about who I WAS and feeling guilty that I have changed.  This is not helpful because who I was six months ago is of course going to be different than who I am now; change is inevitable.  I've moved to the West Coast, I started graduate school, and I've made many wonderful friends here.  I make mochas and latte art, while simultaneously arguing the theology of Martin Luther.  I shop at local produce markets and I rock out to tunes while walking for multiple hours a week.  I stay up late finishing Old Testament quizzes and I get to wear shorts in November.

Who am I?

Last night, while walking home, I picked up a meditation mantra and searched in myself for answers about who I am.  The first words I felt strongly were "a good girl."  Oh boy. That made me mad.  I feel as if I am still that 6th grade girl, with the other kids heckling me and calling me "Goody two shoes!" (What does that even mean, by the way? I'm special because I have two shoes?)  That's why I feel quite resistant to be the woman who understands what she is called to do at the age of 23.  Why not make some more mistakes first?  Why not go to a high powered job and make money to help pay for life as a grad student? Nope, not me! I'm here, baring it all, ready to be continually transformed.  I know that my wish to shrug the "good girl" vibe attributes to a lot of the way my lewd humor works and why I am loud about my stubborn tendencies.  I think it's good to know the Whys of how I behave; they certainly help understand the Whos.

The second thing I felt that resonated with me is that I am a fighter.  That part of my personality sometimes does not come off strong within the academic world.  I have opinions, but as a Helper (Number 2 on the Enneagram), I place emphasis on the needs and opinions of others.  I'd rather be respectful about the opinions of others than outwardly say mine; that also plays into being non-confrontational.  My opinion is important and is worth being said, despite my want to keep it to myself.  Luckily, there are people that hold such different views than me here that it feels like my opinions come bursting out of me.  I want to hold on to my resilience and hold fast to the things that I believe in.  Even deeper than that, I need to hold on to ME and my own needs.  God has given me love and with that love, I am able to spread love to the people around me.  I am worthy of loving and worthy of being loved.  I am worthy of loving myself.  I've been feeling lonely lately, especially since a big relationship in my life has ended and I find myself being a single seminarian.  Lonely is alright; though; lonely allows for potential to love myself as much as I can and reach out to the many people who support me. :)

herchurch Conference

This past weekend I had the immense pleasure to spend a few hours at herchurch in SF; this is a Lutheran church, believe it or not!

herchurch--purple!

 The conference day started with a Grandmother Invocation that included a singing to the Grandmothers of the East, South, West, North, sky, ground, and heart.  I am beyond excited to share this song/dance because it felt like such a beautiful and thoughtful way to begin a worship or even in daily life.
Inclusive language has been a prominent thought in my mind these past months and I have begun to notice every masculine word that is a part of worship or theological writings: Lord, kingdom, son of Man, Father, He.  It is astonishing to me how normalized the masculine view of God is part of the structure of our religious context, let alone society.  I had known these concepts before seminary but studying the actual Greek as well as reading the female oppression ridden Hebrew Bible has sparked a new discovery of the depth of how detrimental the view of a male God is for all people and how intrenched these values are in Western society.
herchurch is a refreshing break from male exclusive language; albiet, the language is directly to the other extreme with Goddess imagery.  While I think that the best approach is to incorporate both views of God with each other or better yet, use nongender specific language, the embracing of female imagery is quite necessary to empower and give respite for females in the church.
I was able to hear the keynote of the ecofeminist liberation theologian Dr. Chung Hyun Kyung.  This woman is an intelligent, creative, and eloquent speaker with great humor.  My favorite quote of her speech was this: "A few people have questioned me about my religion by asking if I'm married to Jesus and sleeping with Buddha.  I tell them that it's not like that--it's more like a threesome!" :)

Keynote speaker Dr. Chung Hyun Kyung

 Dr. Kyung spoke about how she often found herself spending most of her time reacting against patriarchal theologians and needing to find the energy to fight against the hate.  She spoke about the accumulated anger that this creates and deemed it the cancer of the soul.  Dr. Kyung smiled as she told us that she looked for answers in nature and felt comforted to realize that Mother Nature continues to know how to survive through all the destruction.  Under the surface, there is the energy of compassion and the maternal nature of embracing of the earth.  Dr. Kyung explains that finding women's theology is like finding that deep lifeline of the earth; it is the grounding of the feminine divine.  "What do know what enlightenment is like? Study nature--she is our teacher."-Dr. Kyung.

Through this grasping of the perseverence of the female divine found in nature, Dr. Kyung recognized that there was no longer a need to fight the patriarchal constructs but instead celebrate the special gifts of being female.  This also parallels with the concept that we need to have an intimate relationship between us and the earth; within ecofeminism, women embrace the deep connection between sexuality and spirituality.  This is a connection that is long been divided in Western culture; the extremes of Puritans vs. Pornographers is a very relevant subject in the US today.

I feel refreshed and remember all of the wonderful women whose shoulders I stand on today.  There is so much hunger, tired feet, bruises, and tears that make it possible for me to smile while I bask in the appreciation of the feminine divine.

Anja, Pastor Tita, Dr. Kyung, me, and Chelsea

 Dr. Kyung spoke of the religious church as a whole as a Titantic, a gigantic concept that is in reality a sinking ship that keeps getting smaller each day in its own irrelevancy.  This is the metaphor that my mind has been waiting years to grasp onto.  I find myself in all parts of my current life as a seminarian questioning: Now how is this current conversation relevant to the modern context of church?  I find myself amidst seas of thoughts and details about concepts such as the presence of Christ in the eucharist or the role of covenants in Zion theology and I think to myself, what would the average 23 year old say to something like this?  These concepts that theologians find themselves arguing over for centuries are irrelevant to the average person living their daily life in the 21st century.  Worse than that, worship and finding community in a church seems irrelevant to the greater population in the US today.  How can a church be something that feeds the spiritual needs of people when it's busy debating about which Protestant sector is closest to Catholicism?

I do not have the answers and these questions that I have certainly do not keep me from getting the necessary readings and papers done.  But it sure does add some questions about what to do with all of this new theological knowledge in my brain (which will keep amounting and getting more complex) and how that fits into my call to support people on their journeys in the modern world.  People have a spiritual need but sometimes this need is not even recognized within a person's self.  When it is possible to thrive financially, emotionally, and socially without thinking about God and the meaning of life/death, how does one realize that there is a void?  I feel the void; I hear the empty space being filled up when I sing a song in worship, or when I connect with someone in a hug.  The gift I have to give is love, and I know that it does not come from me but from God's compassion for all humankind.  Another gift I have is the modern lens I bring into the church; I'm just not sure about how my context of living in the modern world can work with the historical and theological background just yet.

Panel of a 64 foot tall mural that will be placed on the tower of herchurch

Home.

This week is reading week aka fall break. This means that I am halfway through my first semester of seminary.  And this is my first post as a full-blown seminarian.  Wow.  I suppose this is a testament to a bit of my life as a seminarian; my day is full of juggling class, readings, assignments, work, worrying about how these readings affect my theological point of view, and regular crises of identity.  I've come out of the constant berating of intellectual, theological, and emotional work for this nice break and I feel myself settling into life at PLTS, Berkeley, and the West Coast.  I'm doing pretty well academically and want to step up my game theologically these next months.

My roommate and I often have moments of "WOW I'M IN CALIFORNIA!" .....the other first years are from California so they are not as awe struck, so they just chuckle at us. :)  The seminary has this beautiful view from the top of the hill; the clear blue water of the Bay, the green of the trees dotting the hills, and SF's skyscrapers across the Bay.  I love the balmy winds, the fog that rushes in at random times, the palm trees, and flowers I've never seen before blooming in October.  This is my new home and I love it wholeheartedly (and not just because the produce is so freaking cheap here haha).

My life these past months have been punctuated with so many laughs, great conversations, new revelations, tears, and sorrow.  I am going through so much change and the support that I have found in the people at PLTS and my other homes has been immense and profound for me.

I'm back in Columbus; I got in last night and I cannot believe how weird it feels to be here at this home again.  I'll be here for a few days and it already feels overwhelming because there are so many people I love and want to see and I know that I will not see everyone I'd like to.  I am blessed to have so many people that I love, who love me and are there for me.  Being here has helped me see the amount of change that I'm going through.  In the split second when I first saw Jillien as she picked me up the airport, I realized how much I had to share with her and did not know where to start.  I've learned so much about white privilege, Lutheranism, Zion theology, but really the biggest part is what I understand about myself after these months.

I feel myself grasping the foundations of who I am and what I need.  This self discovery is creating change in my personal life, which hurts and feels like the world is caving in.  But "they" (every person who has gone through seminary and given me advice) said that this year would be a difficult one full of breakdowns and massive discoveries.  I'm learning but it is surprising me how much the theological breakthroughs are not taking my life over; I embrace the dualities and paradoxes and confusing blurry points of theology.  The part that gets me is this question: "Who am I within all of this?"

As ever, thanks for listening and supporting me, dear readers.

Adventuring, ancient language style.

At first, the concept of learning Greek seemed like a formidable mountain, of which I only knew tales of woe or victory.  My mother easily recalls the fateful day her summer Greek course ended--it involved collapsing on a couch in exhaustion and beloved Aunt Darline coming to her with hands full of Peanut Buster Sundaes to celebrate the end of declensions, participles, and deponent verbs.  On another side of the spectrum, my father continues to understand Greek so well that he even has an application on his phone that is the Greek New Testament and pulls it out during church on Sunday!

Yesterday, I stepped out out of my Greek course confident in my ability to translate Greek.  My translation sure is not perfect but I am able to understand the text and argue about fine points of translation, which I would say is a huge step in the right direction.

Where do I fit in on the scale of this Greek mountain?

I didn't collapse but I certainly was ready for these 6 weeks to be o-v-e-r.  Will I still be able to translate 20 years from now?

Only time will be able to tell.  Monos kronos duvatai leyeiv.

The thing about studying Greek that blows my mind is the fact that all of the grammar lessons and discussions about whether a noun is nominative or accusative really do lead me (and the other students) into this brand new world of discovering the Bible in the text it was written in.  This concept seems so obvious, but the moment that you gain a new insight because of the Greek word choice, if feels as if I have learned how to see a color that wasn't available before.  Every time I get to a verse that I recognize within the first few words, I cannot help but smile to myself and get ready for my mind to be blown, Greek-style.